Pride and Control.
I have a lot of pride. It stems from my insecurities as I struggle in seeing how valuable I am. As a result, I compare myself to others in an effort to make myself feel better. This is something that I need to constantly hand back over to Him, but he’s been bringing it to my attention so that I can make progress in this area. Even writing this is difficult because it’s hard to admit where there are struggles. But I am thankful for a God who tells me over and over and over….and over again how much he loves me and that I am valuable.
The other area is control. I like to be in control (though I suppose that’s the same for a lot of us). I want to live my life the way I choose, and not have someone else dictate it for me. But God showed up, as He does, and went to the root of the issue. “Do you trust me?” If you would have asked me last year if I really trust God, my answer would have been “yes”. However, he’s been taking me on a journey this year where he’s showed me that I don’t trust him, so why would I hand over control to him? It’s hard to believe that he’ll never let me down – because I thought he had before. Someone close to me past away years ago, how could God let that happen?
I’m right in the middle of week four of my Discipleship Training School. This week is all about learning to choose God first, and actually allowing that to make a difference every day in our lives. I find it challenging as God starts to reveal things to me. I think he’s revealing this stuff because he wants to bring healing in these areas. He started that healing process even before I came to Townsville – showing me that He is good. He hurt along with me as I grieved this death. Death occurrs because we live in a broken world, but it still broke God’s heart and he cried alongside me.
“Do you trust me?”
Again, throughout this week God kept asking me this question. The thing is, I know trusting God is a choice. It’s not based on how I feel. It doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen, but it’s a choice to believe that no matter what happens, good or bad, God is good and God is there.
As we finished off the week, we had the opportunity to take time to publicly show that we trust God, and want to live a life that follows him. I couldn’t decide if this was a step I wanted to take or not. I mean, I knew I wanted to some day, but is now really the right time? I’ve been feeling like I have all of this head knowledge about who God is and what it means to follow him with everything, but it stops there. In my head. It hasn’t translated down to my heart. Should I wait until it’s in my heart? So, as I sat on the sand, others went up – making their decision to declare their heart to follow after God in front of my classmates and me. In my stubbornness, I continued making excuses, contemplating if this is really something I should be doing at this point of my life.
That’s when God asked me again “Do you trust me?” and if my answer was yes, then I needed to stand up and take a step of faith. I needed to give up control, to be okay with not understanding everything. I still feel like it’s mostly head knowledge and hasn’t really translated down to my heart, but trusting God is a choice.